December 3, 2019 (11:25 AM)

Thanksgiving 2019

Home for the Holidays for Real

On this busy Thanksgiving Day I didn’t want to neglect to say thank you to you, nor miss the opportunity to praise the Lord. I’ve been asked by many when I’d write another update. I’ve procrastinated not because I haven’t thought about it but rather wasn’t sure what to write. I began an update October 3, the sixth anniversary of my husband’s hospitalization but neglected to finish it. Let me, this Thanksgiving give somewhat of an update through thanksgiving:

I’m thankful again for so many of you who have continued to pray for us and encourage us by your love.

I’m thankful instead of sitting in traffic (though we still do sometimes for therapy) and spending hours each day at the long-term facility that we get to spend more time in our own home. For Thanksgiving, I let my husband cheat and eat some mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, Jell-O salad and pumpkin pie. Before putting him to bed I sentimentally said, "Isn’t it neat to finally be Home for the Holidays? I told him last year I was loading him up to take him back to Huntington Beach at that time. His unemotional response… Feed me. I told him half seriously, half joking, “Joe, I’m trying to reflect and be sentimental and all you can say is ‘feed me’? I gave you a lot of food you weren’t even supposed to have. Then he reached out his arm as if to motion me nearer and puckered slightly to give me a small kiss.

I’m thankful that instead of being surrounded by patients and medical folks (though I greatly appreciate all the staff did while we were there, and even more so now that I do what they did) we are now surrounded by family.

I’m thankful that more than ever, I get the privilege to fulfill my role of helpmeet in a way many people couldn’t imagine (and even I might hope they don’t ever need to).

I’m thankful that I get to be more of a part of the lives of my children (four still home, and those married as well) and going on ten grandchildren.

I’m thankful that when we begin to wonder “why” we can rest assured that God rules in the affairs of men, and we can trust anything that comes our way. As I told my son recently, it’s God who moves the pieces in the game of our lives. It’s actually a comfort that we aren’t in control. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I’m thankful that God’s will is the best place to be, thankful to be called according to HIS PURPOSE, not our own. Not sure if I shared this, but sometimes I say, "Joe, if you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you want to go.” He typically says Cambodia. I ask him what if God wants us to go to such and such a place, and he always responds “then we’ll go.” Then I say what if God wants us to stay in this little back room and you in a hospital bed with me caring for you. He says, “Then we’ll stay.”

I’m thankful my husband is learning to sleep better, and when he’s fidgety, I’m learning to sleep through the shaking of the bed rail.

I’m thankful that when I get stuck in a rut or find myself living in survival mode, my Father’s just a prayer away, and His mercies are new every day.

I’m thankful that though sometimes we may think we have it hard if we look around, we’ll know that there are many folks hurting much worse than we. (My husband one day was particularly alert at therapy and asked me why some patients were yelling. I told him that they have injuries to the brain as he does, but each person is affected differently. He responded, "I don’t have it as bad as some. I don’t have to yell.") I think of two of our young bus children whose Dad was killed just before Thanksgiving, one of our ladies who just lost her husband, two folks whose moms just passed away. If tempted to have a pity party, we but need to open our eyes to God’s blessings.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to trust God more and more when I feel overwhelmed by the request for counsel from my children in the absence of my husband being able to have real conversation. I was weeping the other day as I had felt inadequate directing one of my children. How easy it is to stand by my husband and wonder why it’s me and not him giving counsel and direction. But I’m thankful for the promise that we can call on Him for wisdom when we lack.

I’m thankful that though the load is often heavy and sometimes tiring, I get to rely on God’s strength in my weakness. And if we but call (rather than relying on ourselves) He will answer.

I’m thankful that though there’s so much further to go, we’ve come so far! From a daily perspective, it seems little progress, but from a wide perspective, there’s been much progress. For the first time, an insurance pd physical therapist said he felt the potential for my husband to semi-stand and transfer chair to bed or in the restroom. He’d need lots of work to do so, and then the therapy was discontinued. But he works on this Mon-Thurs at High Hopes, so maybe one day.

I’m thankful that God is good, ALL THE TIME.

June 8 (3:06 PM)

The wall hanging my daughter bought that reads “so good to be home” and another I ordered that reads “home at last” are the perfect decorations for our new room along with a picture board I found that says, “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be WONDERFUL.” For a long time, I wouldn’t set dates for Pastor Esposito’s homecoming so as to not be disappointed. Then we set a date for which to aim. After many dates didn’t work out, like being home for the holidays, we finally made it home May 4th. The children and grandchildren were all here, except my daughter Susanna who had come for the previous target date insurance hadn’t approved. On May 4th, the children made a big banner and decorations and shouted a loud “Welcome Home” as I lowered my husband out of the van. We had a nice lasagna dinner and enjoyed really being home at last. Praise the Lord for bringing us so very far and for a million miracles leading up to May 4th.

It’s so nice just to “be home.” Thank you for praying for so long. We are now working on getting the hang of things at home. After a little work, I feel everything is physically organized. Now I am working on a schedule and learning to do many things I observed for 5 ½ years but hadn’t physically done myself. The first week, I am confident I overwhelmed my husband with too much activity and not enough rest. He had seizures two days in a row. I’ve backed up and slowed down a bit and intend to break him back into real life a bit more gradually. My husband definitely had his days and nights mixed up! I know in time things will become routine.

The nurse and therapist both agreed that I needed to stop feeding my husband again for the time being. My husband doesn’t talk much, but if he does it’s likely, “I’m starving” or “Get me some food” (even a minute after having just been tube fed). But he just wasn’t swallowing well and was coughing a lot with each bite. It’s not worth pneumonia. The present speech therapist is doing a lot of exercises with him to strengthen the muscles and has put in a request for another swallow test. Please pray the exercises will help, and he can finally pass the test. The speech therapist is hopeful for ongoing progress.

May 24th was our thirty-third wedding anniversary. The night before that I sort of joked that it would be our anniversary in the morning and to try to remember so he could say, “Happy Anniversary.” When I asked him in the morning what special day it was, he said he couldn’t remember. I encouraged, “think hard.” Then he said, “It’s our anniversary.” So that was neat.

I reflected over the years, and where we are today. I reflected on how odd it is to be where we are today, celebrating our anniversary with full bodily care, feeding tube, etc. The thought crossed my mind that this definitely isn’t the dream nor plan we always looked forward to in our upper years of marriage. We planned to serve God at PBC forever and plant more churches and send out more missionary teams. If we took time off we’d talked of a wooded river stream, where he’d fish, and I’d read on the side. Satan was sure to try to make that my focus! Isn’t the devil good at that?!? I’m sure there are many counselors and books that would say a certain grieving process is needed at some point to process those types of loss (they call it ambiguous grief when you still have your loved one, but they aren’t who they were, and it’s your dreams and hopes that died). But for over five years I’ve always pushed those thoughts aside. Maybe because I wanted to always just keep hoping, praying, and trusting what God has in store for us. Maybe because it’s hard to dwell there. But mostly I know that Scripture admonishes us to think on good things&emdash;in everything to give thanks. Either way, God graciously brought me back around to looking on the many, many blessings we have had in our life together. (I remember my oldest daughter telling me that when she would feel sad not having her Dad there, she’d think of how many girls she ministered to that never had ANY opportunity to have a relationship with their dad while she’d had 22 great years with her dad).

As I redirected my thoughts, I thought about the joy of 27 years before the rupture of a wonderful marriage and Monday night dates, raising children together, family times, children serving God today and carrying on their Dad’s vision, and of the great pleasure grandchildren bring&emdash;just even with a smile or a hug. God truly has been good to us! And I’m thankful for one more year and how far we have come, and that the God of the universe is in control and it’s His plan and purpose in place and not my own. We only always wanted HIS WILL.

I had the privilege of attending the 50th anniversary celebration of Faith Baptist Church in Bourbonnais, IL this past weekend where I’d attended as a teenager and graduated high school. It certainly blessed my heart to have so very many folks, including many we’d never met tell me that they have continued to pray regularly for us. I know there are many more who still read these updates (when I finally get them done) and who continue to pray. Thank you so, so much!!

March 8 (11:05 PM)

Thank you again for reading our update and for your long-continued prayers!!

It's been a while. Since the last update, a lot has happened. At the start of the year, my husband ended up in the hospital for eight days with H1N1. It was good that they sent him out right away, and treatment was started quickly. For someone in his state, it most certainly would have ended up as pneumonia. But since he was suctioned often, had lots of fluids, etc. he recovered pretty quickly. He did end up back on oxygen, was unable to eat once again, and lost lots of weight. (My husband used to sometimes say "two steps forward, one step back… two steps forward, one step back.) Since then we had to re-do the nutrition plan to get him up to an acceptable weight. He's now off the oxygen except for night time. Speech therapy has finally gotten back where he was on eating. (He's greatly enjoying his lunch tray daily.) Once he's home we should be able to do specially prepared meals. It just doesn't practically fit with the present schedule of trying to get out to High Hopes in the mornings since eating is very slow and requires caution. CNAs are not allowed to help him eat, only family. (They took another swallow test while in the hospital, and he failed again.)

Being a re-admit patient allowed some therapy for a bit. They tried some different things out. They tried having him wheel himself in a regular wheelchair. He didn't have the coordination though he tried to do it (what do you expect after 5 years?), so they didn't keep trying. They tried having him push up on his feet to swivel and get from the therapy table to the chair. He has some push, but not as independent as they'd like to see to continue working on it (again, what do you expect after 5 years?). They tried having him pull from the table to the chair on a slide board. He'd get halfway there. They tried sitting balanced at the edge of the table. He has it in him and improved. He got better at sitting forward for sure. Physical therapy was dropped, though. I always know it's coming, but I get disappointed anyway. But I'm thankful for what they did. He is still on OT. They have worked with him leaning forward and to the side, picking up items and turning to put them in a basket. He's done pretty well with that, but they can't do therapy for sake of strengthening. Insurance requires "functionality," so they switched to trying to use different types of apparatus to help him be able to feed himself). The thing that's encouraging is that he DOES have capabilities that just need patience and strengthening. When he first awoke from a coma, he was considered completely quadriplegic. I believe in the home setting where we will have time to do more strengthening, he will continue to improve.

I became very impatient during my husband's hospital stay. I wanted to just take my husband straight home. It seemed an eternity, and I didn't know how long it would, in reality, take to be "ready" at home. The hospital didn't think it such a good idea. I talked to my children. I think the "feeling" for the most part on the ladies' side was to do it, while the men thought it better to be patient and be fully ready so as to have a smooth transition. I opted to go for the logic of the men rather than the emotion of us ladies. Next week, barring rain, the tile will be started for the restroom at home. Some of you may know that after talking with the gentleman who does tile from our church, my niece who lives next door hoped to surprise me by starting a "Go Fund Me" since the expense was going to be more than expected. To those of you who knew about it and gave, thank you very much! We were very humbled and are grateful.

At High Hopes the main goal now for my husband is to get up. We are doing the treadmill I spoke of last time once per week, and on the other days it's all walking frame and pushing up using a handrail. He definitely has a long ways to go, but he's working hard, and being pushed!

God has been very good. He's brought us a long way. He's taught us much. He's supplied. He's comforted. He's met every need. Where would we be without Him? And thank you for being used of HIM to encourage us and pray for us. My son said in a lesson recently one of the most powerful things we can do for someone is to pray for them.

December 1 (9:20 PM)

Thanksgiving 2018

How can I even begin to say thank you this Thanksgiving season for so many near and far who have been our prayer partners! I believe the prayers of God's people have made a difference and certainly have encouraged our hearts and helped us to continue on the path God has chosen for us.

Here are some updated praise points:
Praise the Lord for the very first time this week my husband initiated pulling up on the handle bars and pushing up with his feet into the walking frame. He needed assistance once he began standing up, but he got himself started on his own. That was a first!
Praise the Lord the director at High Hopes said that we are ready for the Locomat robotic treadmill starting in December.
Praise the Lord we are closer to getting Pastor Esposito home. The concrete is poured sloping the driveway to the door. The lift designed and given by Bro. Kevin Kemp is installed. We basically need to finish the restroom and a few logistical things. Once everything is completed, I will start the process with insurance.
Praise the Lord some very good friends of my husband and to our ministry purchased an electric wheelchair for my husband. This is a blessing and will make it easier once he's home. Our neighborhood is on a hill, including our church. The chair has a controller on the back for me to "drive." (Sometimes when I shift my husband in his chair, lift him when he's tilting or slipping, or push uphill I get severe headaches; and it takes a few days for my back to recover because of a Chiari Malformation causing herniation of the bottom of the brain into the spinal cord not to mention other back issues. I say this not to complain or share my own issue, but to emphasize how much of a blessing the chair will be to me!)

THANK YOU AGAIN!